Thursday, May 8, 2008

Playing it Safe

I've never been a risk taker. I fear failure and don't always adapt well to change. As a child I never felt I quite measured up to people's expectations. It has taken 40+ years to get past worrying about what others think, but I still am not much of a risk taker. There are times when I so vey much want to spin a pencil on a map of the US, point the car in the direction indicated and drive. No plans, just drive. That in itself is a pretty safe venture but would still be fleeing some obligations and responsibilities for a time. Go as far as I want for as long as I want doing whatever I want on the way. I love reading stories of women who have done just that.

I want to escape. I want to take a risk at something. I think that is why the thought of teaching in Mississippi keeps coming back to me. Why don't I just get in the car and drive to Mississippi and see what it has to offer. What is to lose in doing that? Why am I so bogged down in what I know? I tell people about the Mississippi idea in a joking manner because I don't want to hear their objections. Some people I don't tell at all because I don't want to hear their opinions on why this would be a bad idea.

So much of my life has been lived inside my head because it is easier to live just with me than explaining and listening to others. A counselor once told me I am my own best friend because I've had to be. At the time I didn't consider that a positive but now I'm not so sure.

I envy people who can take a different route and pay no attention to the advice of others. If it doesn't work out they have gained experiences. At 53 years old I have been playing it safe my entire life. Am I going to die without having done anything exciting? Without taking any risks?

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