Monday, November 12, 2007

Magical Powers

I contend that power in my hands would be a bad thing. Most people think of “power” as a status, influence, position that allows a person to get work done, create inroads to projects, to help or hurt a person financially, professionally or personally. Yes, that power in my hands probably wouldn’t be good although I believe, for the most part, I would try to help people if I was in a powerful position. But, most often I think of magical power. What if I had magical powers?

Would I use my magical powers for good? Sure I would! Who wouldn’t want to have world peace, heal the sick, tend to the poor, exile George W. Bush and Dick Cheney to a deserted island, fix global warming, remove calories from Doritos/ chocolate/Culver’s custard/pizza plus provide free acne treatment to every teen who needs it.

But I fear my impatience with dumb people would get the best of me, and I would abuse my magical powers. Of course, one person’s abuse is another’s justified action. There would be a surplus of toads in the world because I would turn many irritatingly stupid people into toads. (Why a toad and not a frog you ask? Frogs can be cute and princesses do kiss them – no one wants to kiss a toad.) I must clarify that by stupid I do not mean someone who is born with a low IQ. Stupid means a person who has the smarts but makes dumb choices and statements. Yes, George W. would be a toad. He would be joined by Rumsfeld, Cheney, Bill O’Reilly, Anthony Scalia, and Katherine Harris. Being a toad is too good for Ann Coulter. I think taking over Prometheus’s chained-to-a-rock position, her liver picked out by a vulture every day might keep her busy and out of the lime light. Add that she would have to recite the preamble to the Constitution while passing the time and hold a lifetime membership to the ACLU, and I may feel appeased.

Smokers who throw their butts out their car windows and drivers who don’t use their blinkers will be turned into toads. People who talk during movies at movie theatres will be toads. Parents who bring their stroller encased children to a shopping mall during Christmas shopping season will have two shots of espresso fed to their children prior to leaving the mall. (The espresso idea is not an original, but I do love it) If those parents don’t learn from this lesson they will lose their strollers and be forbidden to use one ever again. Shoppers who gather to chat in the middle of store aisles will be turned into the cattle they mimic. (It would be best if they aren’t standing in front of Wilson’s leather store at the time.) People who are rude to store clerks will become mute. Good looking arrogant men will become homely, hairless, and pot bellied. Bitchy beautiful women will get warts on their noses, wrinkles and sun spots on their faces, and immediately gain 30 pounds.

People who are cruel to animals will be turned into dung beetles. (I watched a show about dung beetles on the discovery channel once. They actually roll balls of dung larger than their bodies up hill. Amazing but gross all the same.) Tax payers who complain that teachers make too much money will be sentenced to teach for at least a month – nothing will humble them faster. Snotty teenage girls will sentenced to scrubbing toilets while listening to their parents’ tape recorded life advice, and snotty teenage boys will be sentenced to slopping out pig pens while listening to snotty girls whine about all the inconsequential issues teenage girls whine about.

Hummer owners would walk into their garages and find a Chevy Geo in its spot. With one wave of the magic wand SUV owners would find themselves driving Saturn Ions. A snap of my fingers would reduce full size vans to Ford Focuses. No need to thank me for the reduction in their gas consumption. Jet Ski owners and snowmobilers will have to make their machines into planters and put them in their front lawns for the matching season. All homes will use energy efficient lights, anyone not recycling will be turned into a garbage can, and no one will be allowed to water their lawns in the summer.

I would use my powers for seemingly insignificant changes but changes I believe would give the world a bit more serenity. One day per week all families’ televisions would not work, and people would have to spend the time together playing games, talking, cooking, taking a walk together; no complaining about it is allowed. Stores would not be open on Sundays or main holidays. Everyone would have a secret pal who did anonymous nice things for their person; a card here, a flower there to brighten another’s day. Volunteering in the community at least one day per year would be mandatory. Getting out and helping others might make people more appreciative of what they have and get in touch with their giving side. Anyone failing to participate in any of these activities will be turned into…….. A TOAD!