Elf Name

My elf name is Puddin Candy-Lips and I am on Santa's "nice" list. Anyone wishing to find their elf name and which list he/she is on go to: http://www.jokesunlimited.com/. If I ever become a pole dancer I believe I will use the name Candy-lips.....maybe wear a little elf hat. Wonder if that would put me on the "naughty" list?

Holiday Hawk

I don't spend a lot of time browsing YouTube but the two videos I love are the Skittles Rabbit and Sierra Mist's Holiday Hawk. Something about singing animals appeals to me.

Not everyone appreciates these commercials -- the Skittles Rabbit just is not funny to many people. My daughter and I love this bunny and often will sing "La la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Then we crack up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HEF49nMsM8

The Sierra Mist PR firm has done a fantastic job using the same characters in funny situations. The Holiday Hawk is my favorite although the beard combover is my next favorite.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0d0rQnVIOvA

Las Vegas

Spent 4 days in Las Vegas last week. The weather was sunny and in the 60’s compared to the 8 inches of snow and 20 degree weather in Wisconsin. Pools were open although not many people were using them; we sat in lawn chairs in the sun one afternoon. It was great just to be able to walk without wearing a jacket.

People watching is the main spectator sport. When I first went to Vegas I thought everyone would be dressed up, lots of diamonds and mink coats, sequins and tuxedos. No such thing. Now, as then, I saw more sweatshirts, jeans, non-descript tourists. Average looking people from all over the world stroll the sidewalks, play blackjack, attend conventions, plunk money into slot machines, and wander about high end shops.

The sleaze element is always in the open. The card flicking people line the sidewalks. They flick cards together and hand one in front of people on the sidewalk. Each card has a picture of a scantily clothed, attractive female, price ($35 on the one I saw), and phone number. Most people walk past and ignore the card flickers, but it is funny to watch the people who stop to take the cards and talk to the card handlers. Another common sight is truck billboards that have a photo of the same lingerie clad blonde girl (average looking, no one stunning) and the advertisement “Girls Who Want to Meet You” and the phone number 696-9696. (I memorized the number because we were going to call it and hear what was said – we didn’t!) While I wasn’t sure I saw any prostitutes this time I will never forget my first time in Vegas. A beautiful young girl was standing at a casino bar with two older, overweight, not so good looking 60 something guys. When I questioned why a gorgeous young girl would be with those two men I was informed by my friend that she was probably a hooker. I was aghast (can anyone say naive?) and wanted to “save” her!

Available entertainment is varied, top notch, and expensive. We saw the comedian, impressionist Danny Gans at the Mirage. The tickets were $100/apiece but well worth it. His impressions of Johnny Carson, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Creed, Dean Martin, Bon Jovi, to name a few, were incredibly real. While we would have loved to see Celine Dion or Elton John, the cost of $375 per ticket was cost prohibitive. If I could go to a show a night for a week I would see Second City Improv, The Blue Man Group, Elton John, Lance Burton, and Jubilee.

While not an avid sports enthusiast, I have to admit to enjoying the sports rooms at the casinos. I was interested in betting on the Packers-Raiders game but after asking about placing a bet, found it wasn’t worth my while when the Packers would have to win by 11 points and I would need to spend more than my planned $10 to make it worth my while. We watched the 4th quarter of the Bears-Redskins game at the Monte Carlo Sports room and it was funny to watch people become upset when the Bears kicked a 3 point goal which ruined the betting odds! A new way to watch a game. Horse racing was huge in these rooms, and I never realized how many races happened in a day.

We aren’t big gamblers because neither of us is lucky. Any gambling we did was on slots. Losing was even fun as long as it took a long time and I could hear the ding-ding-ding because it made me think I was winning even if I was losing. We took a craps lesson which involved numbers and thinking and those elements ruled out the game for me! I would rather spend my money on something I can wear or look at in my house.

Vegas is fine to visit once in awhile but I don’t need to go there often. There are other new places I want to see and other places I’d like to revisit.

Christmas Letter II

Hi Ho Fellow Earthbound Travelers! I cannot believe it is time again to deck the halls, trim the tannenbaum, and fa la la la la. I am making merry and have bedecked my stunningly realistic artificial tree, trimmed the outdoor shrubbery with sparkling white lights, and am about to embrace the commercialism that abounds for the holidays. I can hear the Visa Corporation humming merrily in the background as I type.

The year has gone swimmingly, and I have only joy and cheer to share with you in this much coveted holiday missive. The princess in my life is finishing her university experience and will grace the commencement stage in May 2008. Her artistic and personal accomplishments awe all who know her. She has successfully written a grant, had a print accepted at a gallery showing, her talent is continually acknowledged by professors who bestow art department responsibilities upon her, and she been promoted in her responsibilities as TGI-Fridays head concierge. The little girl who drew mermaids in kindergarten has blossomed into an artist of great potential plus is making her mark in the food industry.

My baby completed his enviable high school career by accepting his diploma in June 2007 and joining the select ranks of the UW-Milwaukee student body. Alas, he girls remaining at the high school are still crying over his departure, and the soccer program has bottomed out since he left. Because of his many and varied talents he has yet to narrow the myriad of career choices available to him. He has been awarded the university’s Cleanest Residence Living Quarter award and the additional medal for the Most Sanitary Dormitory Restroom. He has been drafted to compete in the “Who Can Do the Most Laundry in a Week” dormitory contest. The child’s aptitudes never cease to amaze, and I blush with pride just thinking about him.

Watson has received special recognition from the American Kennel Club. He has been officially designated a Canadian Beagle – the first and only of his kind. Since he is a very humble creature of God, he is downplaying this award’s significance to all dogkind, but we have placed the giant 18 karat gold bone shaped trophy on the mantel for all to see. He is also receiving a year’s supply of Scooby treats and a new wardrobe. As much as I dislike talking about myself I have to admit I have been pretty incredible this year. I perfected my tan and sun streaked hair for the summer and was rewarded with the Best Looking Pre-Menopausal Mother Over 50 Award in August. Flattered doesn’t begin to describe my joy in being presented with this award. Along with the plaque I am using the wrinkle/sunspot dermatology appointments received with the award. In November the Fox Cities honored me as Shopper of the Year as a way of thanking me for my economic impact in northeastern Wisconsin. The platinum credit card plaque is hanging proudly in the entryway. What can I say – while I know I am loved it still gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling to be honored!

Travel kept us busy also. While friends wasted jet fuel flying to exotic places, our good friends Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio offered us advice on closer venues to explore. Bless their green hearts; we had fun doing just that. Ann and I explored the splendor and diversity of the Twin Cities and traveled the gently rolling hills of rural River Falls. Patrick and I have ventured to the hustle and bustle of Milwaukee and found that city people offer new excitements. Dan and I decided to take on the wilderness and discovered the harsh beauty of Lake Superior. While the cultural differences of eastern Minnesota were at times disconcerting, it was a learning experience and we found that Minnesotans are much the same as Wisconsinites. Dan still doesn’t easily admit that, but I’m sure one day he will come around.

So, as you can see, we have had an exhilarating, action packed year. For those of you dear dear acquaintances who have not been as fortunate, please take pleasure in living the good life vicariously through me and mine. It is our Christmas gift to you.

Wishing you a gift-filled, gluttonous holiday!

Christmas Letter

I’m only writing this damn Christmas letter because I figure I will be too busy fulfilling my community service obligation once the New Year begins. Nah, I didn’t kill anyone or anything exciting like that. Just got fed up with the nosy neighbor and practiced shooting her world’s ugliest donkey lawn decoration with my new bb gun. I accidentally hit her dumbass husband, and she actually got upset and called the police. But there is a silver lining behind every black cloud and after writing to Naomi Campbell for advice on how to handle community service, she became my new BFF and has given me a free membership to her women’s fight club.

The kids are doing fine. Ann has managed not to get pregnant and has stayed off crack. TGI-Fridays awarded her their elite Door Greeter of the Year award which reinforced her decision to make door greeting her career. For those of you who don’t believe she is using her artistic talents, let me tell you that she does face painting at Fridays on Mondays and is a big hit with the 3 – 5 year old set.

Patrick managed to make it across the stage to receive his high school diploma and is going to school in Milwaukee. He does excel at Beer Pong and may make the 2008 Olympic Beer Pong team. Because of his beer pong/ping pong abilities, he has received the Forrest Gump Golden Paddle Award and may major in paddle sports with a minor in brewing.

Besides the minor mishap mentioned above, life is going well. With the recent increase in national debt, foreclosures, and unemployment I am fitting in with the US norm perfectly. Yes, I am up to my ears in debt but the President thinks debt is good for the country! Those of us whose homes are in foreclosure have formed a new social group and happily watch soap operas all day to forget our troubles. I beat the unemployment problem by working from home stuffing envelopes. Since I filed for workman’s comp due to a severe paper cut, I won’t have to worry about having a good holiday.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you and yours a Happy Holiday. If your children are perfect, your jobs rewarding, and your home secure, save your postage and don’t send me a letter. I know most of you are damn liars anyway!

Bad NL Karma

I made the mistake of talking to someone at the coffee shop. I try to avoid the downtown area except when absolutely necessary. I meet a friend for coffee each Tuesday afternoon andI am safe if I leave after meeting her for coffee. I can get out of the coffee place without having to meet up with someone I don't want to talk to. I have driven to the next town to do grocery shopping when I am in an anti-social mood (okay, more anti-social than usual). I don't want to run into people I know in the grocery store. I don't want to waste time hiding down an aisle to avoid people. Once in awhile I will meet up with someone I am happy to see but that is rare.

Being in a good mood today, happy it is the holidays, holding the Christmas spirit close to my heart I made the mistake of going out of my way to say hello to an acquaintance at the coffee shop. The last 25 times I have spoken with her the conversation has gone well. Today was short, brief and not warm and fuzzy. I left feeling puzzled and hurt. I realize this is probably not about me but something going on in her life so tried not to let it get to me.

Then I met up with a former close friend. We are still friendly but not close any longer. Having not learned from the first incident, I again went out of my way to say hello. We were friendly but there was no depth to the conversation and I felt it was forced. We parted. I felt icky.

On to the grocery store. I wanted fish tonight so went for tilapia which I have purchased at this store many times. Today, no tilapia. I picked out a salmon fillet which smells fishy in my refrigerator. Is it supposed to smell fishy? Tilapia doesn't smell fishy. That should have been my clue that my karma for NL was not good today. In the check out line I got to feel icky again. Behind me in line was a person I genuinely like but chatting today was not going well. I felt like I should keep up the conversation when it was clear he was not in a conversant mood. Being me, I am sure he wasn't as happy to see me as I was him.

I am now home with my faithful dog. I don't need to breath downtown NL air for awhile. I may need to bring out the baseball cap the next time I go downtown.

Magical Powers

I contend that power in my hands would be a bad thing. Most people think of “power” as a status, influence, position that allows a person to get work done, create inroads to projects, to help or hurt a person financially, professionally or personally. Yes, that power in my hands probably wouldn’t be good although I believe, for the most part, I would try to help people if I was in a powerful position. But, most often I think of magical power. What if I had magical powers?

Would I use my magical powers for good? Sure I would! Who wouldn’t want to have world peace, heal the sick, tend to the poor, exile George W. Bush and Dick Cheney to a deserted island, fix global warming, remove calories from Doritos/ chocolate/Culver’s custard/pizza plus provide free acne treatment to every teen who needs it.

But I fear my impatience with dumb people would get the best of me, and I would abuse my magical powers. Of course, one person’s abuse is another’s justified action. There would be a surplus of toads in the world because I would turn many irritatingly stupid people into toads. (Why a toad and not a frog you ask? Frogs can be cute and princesses do kiss them – no one wants to kiss a toad.) I must clarify that by stupid I do not mean someone who is born with a low IQ. Stupid means a person who has the smarts but makes dumb choices and statements. Yes, George W. would be a toad. He would be joined by Rumsfeld, Cheney, Bill O’Reilly, Anthony Scalia, and Katherine Harris. Being a toad is too good for Ann Coulter. I think taking over Prometheus’s chained-to-a-rock position, her liver picked out by a vulture every day might keep her busy and out of the lime light. Add that she would have to recite the preamble to the Constitution while passing the time and hold a lifetime membership to the ACLU, and I may feel appeased.

Smokers who throw their butts out their car windows and drivers who don’t use their blinkers will be turned into toads. People who talk during movies at movie theatres will be toads. Parents who bring their stroller encased children to a shopping mall during Christmas shopping season will have two shots of espresso fed to their children prior to leaving the mall. (The espresso idea is not an original, but I do love it) If those parents don’t learn from this lesson they will lose their strollers and be forbidden to use one ever again. Shoppers who gather to chat in the middle of store aisles will be turned into the cattle they mimic. (It would be best if they aren’t standing in front of Wilson’s leather store at the time.) People who are rude to store clerks will become mute. Good looking arrogant men will become homely, hairless, and pot bellied. Bitchy beautiful women will get warts on their noses, wrinkles and sun spots on their faces, and immediately gain 30 pounds.

People who are cruel to animals will be turned into dung beetles. (I watched a show about dung beetles on the discovery channel once. They actually roll balls of dung larger than their bodies up hill. Amazing but gross all the same.) Tax payers who complain that teachers make too much money will be sentenced to teach for at least a month – nothing will humble them faster. Snotty teenage girls will sentenced to scrubbing toilets while listening to their parents’ tape recorded life advice, and snotty teenage boys will be sentenced to slopping out pig pens while listening to snotty girls whine about all the inconsequential issues teenage girls whine about.

Hummer owners would walk into their garages and find a Chevy Geo in its spot. With one wave of the magic wand SUV owners would find themselves driving Saturn Ions. A snap of my fingers would reduce full size vans to Ford Focuses. No need to thank me for the reduction in their gas consumption. Jet Ski owners and snowmobilers will have to make their machines into planters and put them in their front lawns for the matching season. All homes will use energy efficient lights, anyone not recycling will be turned into a garbage can, and no one will be allowed to water their lawns in the summer.

I would use my powers for seemingly insignificant changes but changes I believe would give the world a bit more serenity. One day per week all families’ televisions would not work, and people would have to spend the time together playing games, talking, cooking, taking a walk together; no complaining about it is allowed. Stores would not be open on Sundays or main holidays. Everyone would have a secret pal who did anonymous nice things for their person; a card here, a flower there to brighten another’s day. Volunteering in the community at least one day per year would be mandatory. Getting out and helping others might make people more appreciative of what they have and get in touch with their giving side. Anyone failing to participate in any of these activities will be turned into…….. A TOAD!