Catatonic

I wonder what it is like to be in a catatonic state. Do people hear the conversations going on around them but able to distance themselves from reacting? Do they tune out everything so as not to hear or see their surroundings and the people in them?

There are two types of catatonia: the one I’ve described above which is loss of muscle movement and lack of response to external stimuli; the other is catatonic excitement marked by hyperactivity and possibly violence to oneself or others. Wikipeidia reports that a person can die of exhaustion if not treated.

Not that one has a choice but if I had to choose to be catatonic I would choose to be the unresponsive catatonic. Talk about a form of escapism. To mentally remove oneself from a situation and not have to interact with people…..yes, there are always drawbacks but just for awhile it might be refreshing to mentally remove oneself from the scenario at hand. I think I do that when I drift off in a conversation but even then I end up smiling, nodding, or murmuring something to show I am listening even though I am not.

Right now I’m feeling the urge to just sit here and let the world pass me by for at least the next few hours. Sit here and listen to others but not respond and not be expected to respond. Sounds like the ideal escapism for today.

Stress Relief

In our stressed society people turn to talk therapy, drugs (legal or not), alcohol, and food for relief. There are easier methods of dealing with tensions caused by a day fraught by encounters with stupid people. A simpler means of alleviating the steel band headache that is throbbing because you had to remain civil to a boss who makes brings new meaning to the word incompetent. A solution other than homicide when listening, one more time, to your mother criticize your choice of husband/car/hairstyle/gift choice/weight. I have found four inexpensive, simple activities that will release the tension, lesson the stress, relieve the headache, and allow you to set aside the automatic weapon. You may wish to try all of them to find which best suits you or you may find that the methods each work best according to the issue at hand.

1) SCREAM. If the people who reside in your abode or the neighbors in the adjacent apartment are easily scared, this method is best done into a pillow. It works well when alone as long as your apartment complex walls are not paper thin because the police will become quickly impatient with the 911 calls from your neighbors. What you scream depends on you but remember that there is no right or wrong way to scream but doing it at the top of your lungs has the most effect. A simple “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH” for a prolonged period is great; “I HATE ________ (insert name)” is a sure bet; the swear word of your choice is a tried and true standby. These are just a few suggestions but whatever you scream, scream it LOUDLY!!!!!

2) HOWL. Howling is a highly underrated form of expression. It is primitive, earthy, and cleansing. People mistakenly believe there must be a full moon for there to be howling. Howling can be particularly rewarding on a dark dark night because you are cloaked in blackness and the howler can be in touch with their anger/pain/tension/frustations and howl until they are released from their angst. For some reason people are initially not as comfortable howling as they are screaming and may feel silly when they first howl. While this may not be the method for you in the long run, it is worth a try. You can start out softly and build to a crescendo or just start off in full, throaty, loud howl. I’ve known some people who begin to laugh at what they perceive to be silliness but that also is a stress reliever!

3) THROWING THINGS. This is a personal favorite. I knew a woman who threw eggs in her kitchen when angry at her family. Even though she was the one to clean up the mess she found it all very refreshing and a great anger release. I must admit to throwing a few things in my life and I would have to agree with her. It is also very dramatic, at least the first few times, if you have an audience. Eggs are an easy and popular choice although quite messy. For people who find cleaning cathartic, this would be perfect.

Throwing plates and glasses is a rewarding option. (Make sure the plates and glasses are actually glass – plastic just isn’t going to do it) An unfinished basement or cement patio works well for this. In Japan there are small businesses set up and people can rent time in a booth with dishes and throw them at a wall. The simple beauty of this almost brings me to tears. The Japanese make an effort to provide their citizens with stress relieving techniques.
If I ever get brave and open a business this would be the one…..dishes from Goodwill, small booths for throwing……sigh……think of the service I would be providing to society. Okay, I digress. Some may see throwing as a violent action but if no one gets hurt by a thrown object and you achieve stress release I would argue there is no harm done.
These are my ideas for simple stress relievers. There are the more tr
aditional methods (beyond therapy, drugs, drinking, eating) in exercising and cleaning but for those of us who have aversions to those, my three ideas allow for some unique activities.

Country Rap

My man done left,
He took the dog,
They rode off on his Harley Hog.
He’s left, he’s gone, and I wanna cry,
I’m so so sad, I’m burnin’ mad,
But deep inside I'm sorta glad.

I loved him long, loved him true,
But he trashed my heart,
He left me blue.

Drinkin’ wine coolers at the bar,
Into the night, to the bitter end.
I trashed him with my bestest friends,
Nasty and mean were his ways,
Sucking beer was how he spent his days.

I loved him long, loved him true
But he trashed my heart
He left me blue.

Now I’m happy he has gone,
Adios to his sorry butt,
So long to his gol’ darn mutt.
I found his rifle, I practiced my shot
And if I ever see his sorry ass,
I’m takin’ aim and givin’ it a blast!

This song should be said/sung with a rapper's attitude. The song is better enhanced if the singer wears low slung jeans, cowboy boots, a wife beater shirt and chains and necklaces crusted in bling. It just seems to me the combination of country and rap a natural new music genre.

Mommy-isms I've Never Said

My mother said “Mommy-isms” during my formative years. I suppose they were generationally acceptable, but as an adult I find them ludicrous. I am proud to say I have not said them to my children.

“If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about.” This meant that if I didn’t stop crying I would be spanked. It never made sense to me that one would spank an already crying child, making them cry even harder. Obviously the child thought there was something to cry about!

“Nice girls wear slips.” Granted, fashion styles change over the years and at the time my mother imparted this bit of wisdom slips were a fashion staple. However, I took this snippet of wisdom to mean that if I did not wear a slip I was not a nice girl.

“Always let a boy win at sports.” Whoa! This only motivated me to try to beat a guy at a sport. Really, are male egos so fragile that they will be desolate if a girl beats them in a sport? If so, too bad for them.

“If you were smart…..” My mother often prefaced pieces of unsolicited advice with this phrase. The implication seemed to be that if I didn’t follow her advice I was not smart.

“Why? Because I said so.” As a parent I believed my children deserved an explanation for my decisions so avoided this gem. Just because I was the parent didn’t mean I was on a power trip and explaining the decision to them allowed them to better understand me and my reasoning.

There was one “Daddy-ism” I never understood. “Do as I say not as I do.” was a standard in our home. This flies in the face of the tried and true “Actions speak louder than words” which I have learned to be a true judge of character/sentiments/morality.

Life Was Simple When

Life was simpler when:

There were three kinds of tennis shoes – Keds, PF Flyers, and Chuck Taylor Converse.
Shower gel didn’t exist and people used Zest or Dial soap.
Maybelline and Cover Girl had the corner on make up.
Well groomed women chose Prell, Breck, or White Rain Shampoo.
Homes had single car garages because families had one car.
The milkman delivered dairy products to the home.
Doctors didn’t work for corporations.
Dick and Jane taught children to read.
Rollerskates required a key, a pair of shoes, and weren’t expensive.
Hopscotch and jump ropes were great playground entertainment.
Teeth were brushed with either Crest or Colgate toothpastes.
Coke, Pepsi, and 7-Up were the sodas people drank with grape or orange soda thrown in for excitement.
Koolaide and Fizzies were the drinks available to children.
Fast food restaurants were a special treat and not a daily dinner site.
Folgers and Maxwell House coffees made in percolator coffee pots were kitchen standards.
Hershey bars and M&Ms met a chocolate lover’s cravings.
White clothing was worn Memorial Day through Labor Day.
Engagement, marriage, children was the tried and true timeline.
Gas station attendants put the gas in the car, checked the oil, and cleaned the windshield.

Favorite Words

I took History of the English Language my junior year at UW-Stevens Point. Professor Leon Lewis from Boston taught the class. Between the Bostonian accent and his sense of humor, the course was thoroughly enjoyable.
One day he commented on his favorite words or phrases. “Cellar door” was a favorite phrase of his. “Cellar door” does nothing for me, not even with a Bostonian accent, but to each his own. I like “loquacious”, “ostentatious”, “squiggly”, and “kumquat.” The first two take a long time rolling off the tongue and can be drawn out and enjoyed; the second two are just cute.
Certain countries have great names. Mesopotamia (one almost has to concentrate to get it right) and Persia sound exotic and should have never been changed to Iraq and Iran. While I don’t profess to know the politics of those countries when they had beautiful names, maybe they were in a better state of affairs than they are at present with their short, snippet of names.
Lichtenstein, Fiji, Venezuela, and Zimbabwe are fun to say and since those countries are far from America one can say their names and sound very international while, with typical American ignorance, know little to nothing about the country itself. I have been to Lichtenstein and what I remember is they have beautiful stamps and their political candidates are only allowed to campaign for one day. Neat name, neat solution to political campaigning.
When teaching 7th graders I would often ask them to write down their favorite word or words and then post them on the bulletin board. One boy wrote “lollipop” as his favorite word and since that day it has been one of my favorites, too. It feels good rolling off your tongue plus is a happy word. In fact, there are two songs which use his favorite word. Shirley Temple sang “On the good ship, Lollipop” and the popular refrain in that song is:

“On the good ship Lollipop.
It’s a sweet trip to a candy shop
Where bon-bons play
On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.”

Complete lyrics can be found at www.realclassics.com.
The Chordettes recorded the “Lollipop Song” in 1958 with the hard to forget refrain of
“Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli
Lollipop lollipop.....”

Complete lyrics to be found at www.stlyrics.com. At this website one can even download this song for a ring tone!
I don’t know that I have any favorite sounding phrases although Joe recently mentioned a seemingly popular Scottish phrase that I fancy. “Sheep shagging bastards” was frequently shouted at a soccer game Joe attended in Scotland. Alliteration does make any phrase catchy but the uniqueness of this phrase is part of the appeal. I haven’t found a way to work this phrase into casual conversation but am trying.

Little Ditties

I just remembered a few silly ditties (how often does one get to use a word like “ditties?) from my childhood. It is amazing what stays lurking in your memory.

A brown calf
Walked a mile and a half
To take a bath.

I never saw a purple cow,
I never hope to see one.
But if I saw one anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

Be kind to your web footed friends,
For a duck may be somebody’s brother.
Be kind to your friends in the swamp,
Because it’s very very damp.


Then the duck ditty led me to remember this joke:

“Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires.
Why to elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks

These memories are more pleasurable than the ones I have of math class or some other drudgery. So why is it people look at me slightly askance (another great work, “askance”) when I recite such ditties? For example, at the soccer game last night I was telling pirate jokes in honor of last week’s National Talk like a Pirate Day (which I totally missed). Julie Ziegler looked at me like I was nuts until I explained that at 53 I should damn well be able to say or sing whatever I want whenever I want. (I also told her about the Skittles Rabbit song. If you don’t know what that is just “Google” Skittles Rabbit commercial) Here are a few pirate jokes:

“What is a pirate’s favorite country? Arrrrrrrrgentina”
“What is a pirate’s favorite kind of sock? Arrrrrrgyle”
“What does a pirate pay for corn on the cob? A buccaneer.”

I like these pirate poems….they may be simplistic and silly but there isn’t enough simple and silly in the world. So rather than worrying about global warming, gas prices, the Iraqi conflict, and my cholesterol level, silly ditties and pirate jokes are a fine diversion.